Talking to Mom
by Britt30
Summary: Steven's been struggling with his self worth for a while now and decides to talk it out with someone one night. He just didn't expect them to talk back.
1. Chapter 1

Steven tossed and turned restlessly. The gems had disappeared into the temple hours ago and he hadn't been able to fall asleep since. He flipped over onto his back and stared at the ceiling, mindlessly fingering his gem.

"I wish you were here," he said to the empty room. "I wish I could talk to you- or anyone really." He sighed and glanced out the window. "The gems don't understand. My dad and Connie don't understand. I don't even understand! I don't, I don't know what I am." Steven sat up a bit and looked at his gem. "Do _you_ even understand?"

It didn't answer.

Steven flopped back down onto his pillow.

"The gems try and hide it, but I can tell that they blame me for you being gone… at least a little. And, I guess I kind of blame myself too? Garnet's the only one who really seems to care about me as _me._ And Pearl and Amethyst… I think their history with you gets in the way." He laughed a bit.

"I mess up so much Mom. I forget things on missions, I can barely summon your shield, and there's so much I don't know." He rolled over and curled up. "I'm not cut out to be a Crystal Gem," he murmured. He laid there like that for a bit, quietly struggling with his feelings and trying to figure out how to express them. The night was quiet when he finally whispered,

"Do you remember that video you left me? You said that every moment I loved being myself that that would be you loving me, and loving being me." He paused.

"But what if I don't love myself?"

Suddenly his gem lit up, brighter than ever before, and the door to the temple opened. Steven gasped quietly and sat up, eyes shining. He quickly hopped out of bed, ran over to it, and stepped inside.

Someone was waiting for him.

The woman turned around, pink curls cascading over her shoulders and down the back of her pure white dress.

"Steven," she said.

"Mom?" he whispered. She nodded and extended her arms to him. "Mom!" Steven sprinted over and tackled her in a hug in which she embraced him just as tightly.

"You didn't turn into clouds," he remarked. "Does that mean you're real? Have you been hiding here the entire time?!" Rose laughed as she held him.

"No, no! Steven, I am literally a part of you. Right now I'm a sort of… projection. It's hard to explain," she said. Steven nodded in vague understanding.

"What happened to your star?" he asked, poking her belly. It was missing along with her gem. Rose chuckled.

"You wear it now, silly," she said, poking his belly in return. He giggled quietly and the two of them stood there quietly and peacefully for a moment enjoying the company they never had. Rose sighed.

"Oh Steven. I feel what you feel, but I couldn't understand it. Once you explained it though… Oh Steven, you shouldn't have to feel like that."

"I know…"

"But you still do," Rose responded gently. Steven nodded. Rose pulled him into another hug.

"I know the gems can be hard to understand sometimes, but they do love you Steven; they do love you as you."

"How do you know?" Steven asked.

"I spent over a thousand years with them. Trust me, I know them. I can see it in the way Pearl looks at you during your training. I can see it in the way Amethyst jokes with you and wants to protect you. I can see it in the way Garnet trusts your judgements. They're proud of you Steven. They're coming to see you as their leader, not me anymore."

"I'd never thought of that," Steven said. "I never saw myself as a leader."

"Many people look up to you Steven, the people of Beach City especially. You've done such a good job taking care of them, gems and humans alike. You've done so much I never could," she said wistfully, touching her forehead to his. "I'm so proud of you."

Steven felt himself tearing up and buried himself into her hair to hide his face. She embraced him warmly, but pulled back after a moment.

"Now there's one more thing," she said and looked at him sternly. "Don't you _ever_ blame yourself for _my_ choices. I chose to have you with Greg and I have never regretted that decision. I just hope that one day the gems can understand that too."

"Should I tell them about this?" Steven wondered.

"That's for you to decide," Rose said. "But if you do, will you pass on a message for me?"

"Yeah. What is it?"

"Tell them I love them and miss them, but that I don't regret my decision and that it was mine alone to make. And tell your father I love him, will you?" Steven nodded then threw himself around her neck one more time.

"Thank you. I love you Mom."

"I love you too Steven. I love you even when you don't love yourself. Don't forget that." He nodded and hugged tighter and his gem began to glow. The door to the temple opened. He turned to look at it and when he turned back, he was on the ground and Rose was gone. He felt the gentle sensation of a kiss being placed on his forehead and then it was gone. Wiping away a tear, Steven made his way out of the room and back into the kitchen.

He had just started to make breakfast when Garnet came through the temple door.

"Morning Steven."

"Garnet!" Steven gasped and ran and tackled her in a hug. "You'll never believe what happened last night." She picked him up and set him on a stool.

"Why don't you tell me over breakfast."

 **A/N: Well, there ya go! Kind of an open ending and I'm willing to continue it if enough people liked it. Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Wow! Hey, look, it's that second chapter I promised to multiple people forever ago... I'm so sorry it took this long. But then Mindful Education happened, and I got more ideas, and... long story short, there's gonna be a third chapter too. But in any case, here's this one! Thank you all so much for your feedback and support! Enjoy!**

Garnet was silent after Steven had finished, leaving out the more personal parts.

"And she said to tell you guys that she loves you and misses you, but that she doesn't regret her decision and, and it was hers alone to make. Garnet?" She swiped a hand under her visor. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine Steven. I'm glad you told me," she said and ruffled his hair.

"Do… Do you think it could happen again?"

"Anything's possible," she said.

"Could you check?" She gave him a small smile.

"Sure." Placing two fingers to her temple, Garnet peered into the future...and was terrified by what she saw.

She saw the next time Steven could see Rose, after a particularly hard mission that left him beat. And again after he had had a fight with Connie. And again after an insensitive comment by Pearl. Steven could see his mother again, but each time he would be more and more bitter and Rose would be able to help less and less; it would slowly wear her down until she and that part of Steven were gone forever.

Steven noticed her hand was shaking slightly when she put it down.

"Garnet? What did you-"

He was cut off as she pulled him into a big hug.

"You know we love you right? We would do anything for you Steven and not because of your mom or your gem but because of you." He paused before responding, but then said,

"I do now."

"I'm sorry if we ever made you feel otherwise." She kissed him on the forehead and then ruffled his hair. "Why don't you get some more sleep? You've had a busy night."

"Well," he yawned. "I guess a little nap wouldn't hurt. Thanks Garnet."

Garnet made sure Steven was properly asleep before heading back into the temple and finding Pearl and Amethyst.

"We need to talk," she announced as they gathered in the Bubble Room.

"What's wrong?" Pearl asked.

"Is it a monster?" Amethyst asked excitedly.

"It's Steven," she said. "He talked to Rose." The statement was meant with silence which was broken by a tinny laugh from Pearl.

"That's not possible. Rose is-"

"It is possible. And it will happen again unless we do something about it."

"What do you mean?" Pearl asked.

Garnet leaned back against the wall and tried to explain. "Steven's feelings triggered Rose's essence enough that she was able to manifest herself in a projection." She glanced up at them meaningfully. "Feelings that he was unloved."

"That's crazy!" Amethyst cried. "He knows we love him. Doesn't he?"

"He said he does now, but unless we start acting like it more, Steven will see Rose again and again until it completely destroys what's left of her. And it'll destroy Steven too."

"I can't believe she's still in there," Pearl whispered.

"This is not about Rose, Pearl. This is about Steven. He said she had a message for us. She said that she loves us and misses us, but doesn't regret her decision and that it was hers alone to make. We've got to stop blaming Steven for something that wasn't his choice." The others looked at the ground in shame, realizing that they had harbored some grudge against the innocent boy.

"We can't let that happen. I''ll try to be better Garnet," Pearl announced finally.  
"Yeah. Me too," said Amethyst.

"And I as well. I can't see everything, but if we're not careful, this could lead down terrible paths."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hello all! Sorry this took so long! I'm not 100% satisfied with this, but it's as good as it's gonna get and you guys have waited long enough. Thanks for all the wonderful support you guys have given me, whether it was a follow, favorite, review, or just reading! I love you all!**

It had been a long day. Steven was very grateful when he finally fell into bed and curled up. Hoping for a deep, dreamless slumber, Steven fell asleep.

But of course it wasn't that easy.

Steven was floating, but it didn't give him the same, happy, lightweight feeling of floating. He felt sick and scared and… angry. Stormy gray clouds swirled around him, mirroring his feelings.

"Hello?" he called, voice muffled by the void. "Is this a dream?" he wondered. "It kinda feels like it." A sudden bright spot drew his attention in the distance. Steven swam toward it and his stomach twisted when he realized what it was.

A butterfly.

"Oh no."

Before he could react, the lone butterfly began to multiply into a massive swarm, completely surrounding the small boy, and eventually solidifying into three distinct shapes: Bismuth, Jasper, and Eyeball. Steven looked around in a panic.

"I know! I know I feel guilty about all of you! But let's get to the point!" The butterflies started moving again, eventually turning into one, huge Rose Quartz.

Rose glared down at Steven in resentment and disappointment. Steven stared back, bravely trying to keep his tears at bay.

"You were supposed to better than me Steven, but look at you. You keep hurting people!"

"Well so did you!" he yelled back.

"You couldn't even live up to me, much less be better." Then came the kicker. "I should still be there."

"You _are_ here! You're part of me and I hate it!" he cried.

The swarm descended on him, surrounding him in bright white light, when suddenly, it cleared. The clouds were gone and he was still surrounded by white, but it wasn't the butterflies. A couple meters in front of him stood his mom.

"Do you really think that Steven?" she asked quietly, glancing over her shoulder. "Do you really hate me?"

"I-I-" Steven was at a loss for words now that he was, quite literally, face to face with his problems. "I hate what you did," he finally said.

"As do I, but I also realize it was necessary."

"Necessary? Was it necessary to _shatter_ Pink Diamond? Was it _necessary_ to keep Bismuth bubbled for _5000_ years?"

"I've… made mistakes," Rose admitted.

"And left me to deal with them," Steven muttered surprisingly bitterly. Rose turned around, surprise evident in her face.

"No! Steven, that was never my intent! That shouldn't be your burden to bear."

"Well it is! Whether I like it or not, this is my life now, an-and I keep messing up!" He clutched his head in frustration and paced around. "I couldn't get through to Bismuth, Jasper wouldn't let me heal her, Eyeball tried to _murder_ me and I had to throw her into _space!_ I-I keep messing up and it's all because people think I'm _you._ "

"Steven-"

"But I'm not you. I'm _me!_ But I can't be seen as just me, because you're still here!"

He froze as a power seemed to course through him. There was a resounding _crack_ and everything went black.

"What's going on?" Amethyst cried as she ran into the living room. Pearl and Garnet were huddled over Steven who was convulsing in his sleep.

"I don't know!" Pearl shrieked. "He's having seizures or something and he won't wake up!" Amethyst joined them, but was afraid to get too close. Steven's gem was glowing brightly, almost blindingly so. Making a decision, Garnet pulled Steven into her lap and held him close. His gem was hot to the touch and his entire body felt feverish. She took a deep breath in… _Here comes a thought._

She opened her eyes and she was no longer on the couch, but in the dream with Steven. Directly in front of her was Steven, doubled over in pain, one hand clutching his gem, the other grasping his hair. Behind him was none other than Rose, hovering worriedly over her son, unsure what to do. Her eyes plead with Garnet to help.

Seeing Rose threw Garnet for a loop. Her mentor, her general, her first friend, was _here,_ but it didn't last more than a moment before everything in her screamed _HELP STEVEN._

"Steven," she said, crouching down next to him. "Steven, can you hear me?"

"It hurts," he moaned. Tears streamed down his face.

"Steven, you need to tell me what's wrong," she begged.

"He doesn't want me here," Rose said. Garnet looked at Rose and saw her form flicker. "He feels bad, like he can't be good while I'm here and maybe he's right." She groaned as her form distorted, then returned. "He's so much better than me Garnet, he's done so much and grown so much and it's all him, not me. I just wish he could see that."

Garnet could feel part of her freezing up. What could she do that could possibly help Steven?

"Steven, Steven, please look at me." She brushed away her glasses and placed gentle hands on Steven's shoulders. He looked at her for a moment before doubling over in another fit of pain.

"Steven. Whether you like it or not, Rose Quartz is a part of you; how could she not be?

"But this is the important part Steven: _you are NOT your mother._ You are someone much more than your mother. You are kind and compassionate and work so _so_ hard to be your best. But you're still growing Steven, and you can't if you don't let this go." A butterfly landed on Garnet's hand, but she didn't even spare it a glance, all energy focused on Steven. "It doesn't matter what other people think you are. That is their problem. _You_ are not the problem Steven."

Steven looked up at her, eyes filled with tears, pain, and maybe just a little hope.

"I-" he started. "I feel lost. Like-" he grimaced. "Like there should be a right way to do things, but I can't find it."

"Sometimes… there's not," Garnet admitted. "Life isn't always black and white," she explained. "Or, red and blue," she said, closing her third eye. "But I've learned that more often than not things, are purple," she said and opened the other one. "All we can do is try our best to be our best and you're doing that Steven. You are _learning_ how to be your best self and we are so proud of you Steven, because that is all you."

Steven's face crumpled as he leaned into Garnet and sobbed. She held him close and whispered to him.

"But you are not alone Steven. You have us and your dad and Connie. You are not alone in this Steven. Please, come back to us. Let us help."

Steven didn't say anything, but nodded into her shoulder. It was enough. Garnet allowed herself a final glance at Rose and saw her softly smiling, tears running down her face. _Thank you,_ she mouthed. Holding back tears of her own now, Garnet closed her eyes and brought her and Steven safely back to reality.

"Oh thank goodness," Pearl cried as Steven opened his eyes. She and Ameythst threw themselves on him, causing all three of them to end up in Garnet's lap, reminiscent of their second trip to the moon.

"Are you alright?" Pearl asked, pulling back. "What happened?"

"I'm fine," Steven stammered. "Or I will be. Thanks Garnet," he murmured, giving her a hug. Garnet cuddled him back, reluctant to let him go.

"Hey," Amethyst said after a minute. "How 'bout we make some pizza and watch that Crying Food show or whatever. To cheer you up!"

"Amethyst-"

"That sounds great," Steven said. "Let's do it." He sat up and stretched, rubbing the leftover sleep and tears from his eyes. His shirt rode up and, though no one saw it, there was a hairline fracture, deeply set in his gem. One would have to look hard to notice it.

The Crystal Gems spent the night laughing and crying and being there for each other and in that moment, everything was okay. And in the morning, everything seemed a little bit brighter.


End file.
